I did make some good friends but I was rejected by the majority of the girls in my class as I was always “behind” socially and was not into drinking partying and dating.Ĭollege was similarly awful. I had terrible acne and fell into a depression. My grades dropped, and I felt even more shame about just existing. I also had health issues which kept me in and out of school and with severe anxiety I just did not want to study. I recall every instance deeply wounding me. Other kids would pick on me and tease me about how small I was, how crooked my fingers were and how small my eyes were. I was a sickly looking child and almost as early as I became self aware, I was simultaneously aware that I there was something wrong with me and that I was defective. I suppose it did not help that I was not surrounded by very kind adults. I was SO painfully shy and basically ashamed of being noticed by others! I was terrified when someone talked to me and would clamp up in fear. I’d say my earliest memories of socializing are flooded with feelings of deem shame and shyness. I have not been very socially successful and as I grow older, I’m left wondering why and sitting with the sadness of always feeling like “the other.” I don’t think it would be dramatic to see this may be the primary trauma of my life.
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